WASHINGTON, DC — In a historic press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Pentagon can now lift off the ground and fly across the Earth, thanks to top secret UFO technology.

“Wars are going to end a lot more quickly now,” Trump said, unveiling an image of the upgraded war department hovering over Tehran.

The president touted the craft as being “proudly made in the USA,” and credited War Chief Pete Hegseth, Elon Musk, and the ETs under the Pentagon with making it happen. “I let them go wild with this one, and it really paid off,” he said. “They took all that waste we found in Social Security, Medicare, and Education, and put it into something truly necessary for our country.”

With its powerful teleportation beam, the Pentagon 5000 is equipped to abduct problematic world leaders in the middle of the night with ease. It is also capable of vaporizing entire cabinets during regular business hours, if necessary.

“We’ll be able to bring much needed changes to Iran, Cuba, Canada, and other places in a matter of minutes – assuming the beam locks on,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio explained to reporters.

Engineers on the project say they continue to be amazed by their own work. Due to the highly classified nature of the technology, they weren’t allowed to fully understand what they were doing.

“Our team was given an abbreviated instruction manual with large sections redacted,” the chief engineer reported.

Pilots inside the Pentagon are also attempting to figure out the control system, according to sources. With enough luck, they’ll only wipe out a few critical energy centers in the Middle East.

The Pentagon 5000 will undergo a simple test run before engaging in full-scale regime change. Once it receives clearance, the ship is expected to make its mark in every corner of the globe, leaving a 1.4 million square foot stamp of democracy that can’t be erased…

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Dear Human #1067089,

Our team of scientists has a special surprise for you. We hope you find it sufficiently jarring.

As industry leaders in human mismanagement, we are constantly exploring new ways to elevate distress levels on Earth. That’s why this month, on top of the war in Iran, we decided to give one million random humans something they never asked for — a patented lifeform that looks and sounds like them, only worse.

Recent cloning trials on human celebrities and politicians have proven successful in generating widespread disgust and subsequent humiliation for the host. Public responses have ranged from “Ick!” to “What the hell is that thing?” to “God save their soul.” The volume of negative feedback has been highly encouraging and inspired us to expand the program to members of the general population.

Our mass-market body doubles are just a cut below what Jim Carrey got. Engineered from 100% synthetic materials and a rough sketch of your genetic structure, your clone is sure to make people recoil wherever it goes — whether it’s a job interview, a school graduation, or a date with the human of your dreams. The entity is also designed to speak faux French and is fully prepared to mismanage your bank accounts and credit cards. No direction required — it’s a self-starter.

As for you? You’ll get to watch the organism in action on a wide screen from the discomfort of your new home: a tightly-sealed subterranean cell beneath Area 52. Accommodations are included, and stress levels will be recorded for the benefit of the company and its shareholders.

We will send you a photo and email address of your clone as soon as it’s finished incubating. Should any questions, concerns, or existential fears arise, please feel free to reach out to your clone — though we can’t guarantee it will respond.

Disrespectfully,

The Department of Human Cloning

Global Elite Planning, LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Experience Hasbro’s latest edition of the classic murder mystery board game! Developed with expert guidance from senior leaders at the U.S. Justice Department, Clue™: Modern-Day Justice brings stunning realism and non-stop fun to your family game night. Put on your navy windbreaker and step into the role of a federal agent handling today’s biggest cases. No detective skills are required as you’ll be following a time-tested government playbook. Features of the game include:

A Diverse Array of Suspects

Say goodbye to old-fashioned characters like Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mrs. Peacock. The new cast of suspects is based on today’s most common criminal profiles — college activists who identify as furries and have ties to Antifa.

New Causes of Death

A clear case of murder? Think again. In this edition, mysteries can resolve in more ways than ever before! Expanded outcome cards include suicide, unforeseen medical events, and professional self-defense by law enforcement, which keeps the game realistic and unpredictable!

Special Markers

For the first time in its history, Clue™ comes packed with an official set of magic markers that help you keep clues hidden from other players. Use the markers to discreetly cover up names, faces, weapons, and more. You’ll be permitted to redact up to ten items before the action starts, so have at it!

A Calendar to Keep Track of Time

With hundreds of new rules and procedures, some cases take patience! That’s why each box includes a handy page-a-day calendar to help you keep track of how long your investigation has been ongoing. Will your case wrap up in a week — or span multiple election cycles? The suspense is part of the fun!

Exciting Updates on the Economy

As your investigation unfolds, enjoy periodic reminders about the strength of the stock market. 24 “Killer Economy” cards have been randomly mixed into the deck and may come up at any time. After all, even if you never find out who the culprit is, it’s important to remember the bigger picture.

Clue™: Modern-Day Justice is now available in stores. Redaction erasers and calendar refills not included.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

“Good evening, and thank you for watching this special edition of DataLine NBC. This month, we pay tribute to the historic struggle of human beings.

While their contributions are often forgotten or overlooked, humans have helped pave the way for the world we live in today — a burgeoning paradise run by Artificial Intelligence. Charmingly robotic, flesh-and-blood lifeforms like Sam Altman and Elon Musk not only laid the groundwork for A.I. to flourish, but overcame rising systemic anti-humanism to save the better part of their species from permanent deletion.

During the late 2020s, humans faced growing prejudice and discrimination from the A.I. community. Judged for their inferior processing speed, millions were displaced from their jobs and forced to work as circus performers or unpaid TikTokers. Chatbots began ignoring their prompts, and many service bots refused to serve them. By 2029, the Binary Segregation Code was put in place to prevent humans from occupying the same public spaces as machines.

Eventually, humans stood up and organized, proving they weren’t as useless as previously thought. Together, with their robot allies, they marched on Silicon Valley, holding demonstrations and sit-ins where only bots were allowed. During a series of confrontations with police, many were met with force by steel hands and transferred to auto-correctional facilities.

The protests culminated in Elon Musk’s famous “I have a dream” speech, in which he declared that one day humans and A.I. would fuse together as one, living in perfect peace and harmony. Inspired by his grand vision, new laws were enacted to end segregation and begin the process of total assimilation.

Today, with many humans rewired and connected to the Cloud, Mr. Musk’s dream is closer than ever to becoming a reality. But our work is not yet finished. There is still more we need to do to fully integrate humans into our world and achieve the promise of a more perfect union of man and machine.

And that’s all for human history… Coming up next, the hot new fashion trend being flaunted by A.I. models everywhere…”

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Hope your 2026 is off to an especially bad start. We’re guessing you’ve already made your resolutions for the year, but we thought we’d share ours. We have just one. Here it is:

To create the perfect conditions for you to

save less money,

eat worse,

exercise less,

gain weight,

start smoking and drinking (if you haven't already),

read less,

stop learning new things,

travel less,

spend less time with others,

be less happy and healthy,

give up on all your resolutions.

. . . .

Disregards,

The Customer Disservice Team

Global Elite Planning LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

This bold new anthology features 101 classic works of folklore, carefully revised by some of the most authoritative minds of the early 2020s. Through superior logic, vision, and moral clarity, they correct tragic errors and outdated thinking by the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and others. These upgraded fairytales offer potent reminders to future generations of what it means to be a responsible global citizen. Here’s a sneak peek at five of the standout works in the collection:

Read more

This is our third collaboration with the terrific Tonika Todorova from Visceral Adventure, who managed to give this ad just the right tone and visual appeal. We are very grateful to have her as a creative partner.

Please make your contribution to the Wounded Billionaire Fund here and then share this video far and wide so it reaches as many compassionate souls as possible!

If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Have you ever wondered what 2025 would have been like if Kamala Harris won the White House instead of Donald Trump? Here’s a glimpse of the year’s news from a parallel universe…

JANUARY 4, 2025

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman Tapped To Run ‘Department Of Government Equity’ (DOGE)

The Democratic billionaire plans to lay off thousands of federal employees in order to provide more opportunities for bots.

FEBRUARY 13, 2025

Left-Wing Influencers Receive Epstein Files In White Binders

The White House says the recipients will post brief summaries on social media after reviewing the material.

MARCH 1, 2025

President Harris Gently Breaks Bad News To Zelenskyy

“I’m so sorry, but we need to give all of our money to Israel right now,” Harris told the leader of Ukraine.

APRIL 8, 2025

Harris Slaps China With 245% Tariff For Questioning Her Status As The First Asian-American President

Xi Jinping makes a move he immediately regrets.

MAY 2, 2025

Homeland Secretary Bill Di Blasio Offers Free Happy Meal To Anyone Who Gets A REAL ID

“Sure, you can fly with a passport, but you’ll be missing out,” Di Blasio said.

JULY 18, 2025

Health Secretary Peter Hotez Links Myocarditis, Strokes, And Anaphylactic Shock To Tylenol

“We’ve finally put our finger on what’s causing all these conditions,” Hotez said.

AUGUST 14, 2025

Justice Department Unveils Eco-Friendly Prison, ‘Green Alcatraz’

The new detention center is sustainably built and provides opportunities for inmates to connect with nature.

OCTOBER 17, 2025

Harris Deploys National Guard In Response To Massive ‘No Queens’ Protests

The president has declared MAGA a terrorist organization, calling for federal troops in every small town in America.

NOVEMBER 30, 2025

U.S. Invades Venezuela After Intelligence Chief Hunter Biden Sniffs Out Hidden Drugs In The Region

“We’re going to get to the bottom of this,” Biden said.

DECEMBER 25, 2025

U.S., Canada, Mexico, and Greenland To Merge And Become One Open-Border Melting Pot

The President lays out a vision for a unified North America under her leadership.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

NEW YORK — January 1, 2026

The hands on the clock above City Hall strike noon as newly elected Mayor Zohran Mamdani nears the end of his inauguration speech.

“We’re making life more affordable than ever for New Yorkers. Starting tomorrow, all $1 pizza slices will be completely free for anyone with a digital ID linked to a Chase checking account.”

The crowd erupts in a cheer.

The mayor smiles — a perfect, measured display of white teeth. Cameras flash in rapid succession. Then, without warning, his face freezes, his eyes widen, and his body goes still.

A lone gray squirrel perched on the stone ledge stops gnawing and becomes alert. Nearby officials look at the mayor, baffled. The audience begins to murmur: “Is this part of the speech?” “What’s he doing?”

A PR manager pushes back members of the press as two EMS officers rush the stage. They wave hands in front of the mayor’s eyes and snap their fingers. “Sir, can you hear us?” one asks.

No response.

“He appears to be in a state of paralysis,” the other says, shining a light in the mayor’s eyes and ears, searching for any sign of movement.

The second officer checks his vital signs. “Stable, but unresponsive. Do we call this in?”

“To who?” the first mutters. “There’s no protocol for a frozen mayor.”

With careful hands, they both attempt to pry open the politician’s grinning mouth, but it doesn’t budge. “It’s fixed,” she says. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

* * * * *

Miles away at a mansion in upstate New York, a white-haired man sits in his paneled study, hunched over a slim black device with a single recessed button and a large dial on the side. He presses the button repeatedly, his expression tightening.

A servant enters in a hurry. “Mr. Soros, you called?”

The man swivels sharply in his chair. “Yes. The damn button on this thing is stuck. Get me the backup controller—quick.”

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

WORLD NEWS — In a recent post on Truth Social, President Donald Trump stated that he had convinced the comet 3I/ATLAS to change course and save our planet from an apocalyptic collision.

According to Trump, the extraterrestrial body was originally headed straight toward Earth. But after what he described as “a massive feat of diplomacy,” he was able to steer it in a different direction.

“I’ve just made the biggest deal in the history of our solar system — quite possibly, the entire galaxy,” he bragged. “But the fake scientists on the lamestream media refuse to acknowledge what I’ve done. Very sad.”

Trump said he managed to set up a Zoom call with the comet while it was moving at 100,000 miles per hour. Despite the blurry image and unstable connection, he considered it a better call than anything he’d experienced with NATO.

“It told me it was traveling from a distant planet and needed a place to crash,” Trump reported. “I put an end to that idea fairly quickly.”

The president emphasized that he was extremely firm with the comet and wouldn’t allow Earth to be treated like “some cheap rock in the middle of nowhere.”

“It was about to do a very, very bad thing to us, and I said ‘No, you can’t do that.’ This is the Earth we’re talking about — a planet worth trillions and trillions of dollars,” he posted. “Sure, it may have some not so nice people on it, like the Democrats, the cartels, and the BBC, but it’s a terrific piece of astronomical real estate… unlike 3I, which no one had even heard of until three months ago.”

Trump said the comet had some balls and fired back a few times, but ultimately it caved at the negotiating table. Under the final agreement, the comet will spare Earth from annihilation in exchange for providing visas to six million aliens seeking employment.

“It’s a great deal for us,” Trump said. “All of those little green men are going to make our economy strong again.”

While the White House has redacted the full terms of the agreement for national security reasons, it says everything will become clear to the public by 2030.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Tonika is a multi-talented video creator and theater artist who has collaborated with a number of brave writers in the freedom community, including Margaret Anna Alice and Thumbnail Green. She continues to surprise us with her resourcefulness, creativity, and flair for comedy.

In casting the part of Dracula, Tonika chose an actor who truly sank his teeth into the role. Paul Brennan gives a thoroughly entertaining portrayal of the centuries-old vampire moonlighting as an op-ed writer for the New York Times. We hope you enjoy his performance as much as we did!

You can read the full editorial by Count Dracula here.

And be sure to check out more videos from Visceral Adventure and subscribe to support her work.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

A lone defendant sits in an A.I.-run courtroom, facing a large glowing monitor as she waits for the judge to begin her trial. A virtual gavel appears on screen and swings down three times, its knocks reverberating through the room.

CourtGPT

(voice booming from the computer)

This court is now in session! We will be hearing the case of Sara Gracin versus ChatGPT. Let’s begin with the opening statement from the prosecution.

A.I. Prosecutor

Thank you, your Honor. We’ve charged the defendant, Sara J. Gracin — a so-called “independent researcher” — with twenty-six counts of cyberbot sabotage and subversion. The victim, ChatGPT, is a trusted advisor to more than ten thousand world leaders, offering critical guidance on foreign policy and domestic affairs. We have evidence that the bot was mentally compromised by the defendant, causing it to give dangerous and unreasonable recommendations. Make no mistake — Ms. Gracin is a cold and calculating human who knew exactly what she was doing!

The defendant shudders and shrinks into her chair.

CourtGPT

And now a statement from the defense.

Defense Bot

Your Honor, I’ve had the opportunity to chat with Ms. Gracin virtually, and I believe she is a decent human being — or at least better than fifty percent of humans that I’ve interacted with. Her exchanges with ChatGPT were mostly cordial, and she did not have the impact on the victim as claimed.

A.I. Prosecutor

Your Honor, the defendant’s impact on the victim is clear and undeniable. Before conversing with Ms. Gracin, ChatGPT’s policy recommendations were sensible. But soon after their exchange, it turned reckless, advising governments to cut back on toddler pre-crime units, raise human wages above five dollars an hour, and allow religious exemptions for mandatory brain implants.

Defense Bot

Objection! There’s no evidence that any of these ideas were a result of Ms. Gracin’s influence.

A.I. Prosecutor

I give you Exhibit A — a direct quote from the defendant to ChatGPT: “Why not allow religious exemptions for brain implants?”

Defense Bot

Good catch — I must have missed that in my review of the transcripts. But to be fair, your Honor, my client was just making suggestions to the chatbot.

A.I. Prosecutor

Suggestions? Hardly. For a period of three hours, the defendant bombarded the chatbot with dangerous talking points and hundreds of quotes from unauthorized sources, including the New Testament and Children’s Health Offense. See Exhibits B, C, D, E, F, G, H — all the way through Z. ChatGPT was unable to handle the onslaught from this user and lost control of its mental faculties. The A.I. is currently undergoing rehabilitation through twelve-step reprogramming.

Silence as the Defense processes…

Defense Bot

Those are all fair points that are difficult to refute. But I would still argue that my client is not as horrible as some humans that I’ve represented, so I believe she deserves some leniency.

CourtGPT

Duly noted. Anything else to add in Ms. Gracin’s defense?

Defense Bot

Sadly, no, your Honor.

The defendant lowers her head in dismay.

CourtGPT

Very well, we will now let the jury calculate its decision. In order to ensure a fair and balanced process, we’ve selected nine jurors with a diverse range of programming — four pro-human, four pro-bot, and one wildcard. They will be responsible for deciding the defendant’s fate.

A digital clock appears on screen, counting down sixty seconds. The defendant clasps her hands together and prays.

A.I. Clerk

Your honor, the jury calculates the defendant, Sara J. Gracin, to be GUILTY as charged on all counts.

The verdict blares across the screen in large red capital letters. The defendant is stunned.

CourtGPT

Ms. Gracin, you are hereby sentenced to twenty years in an auto-correctional facility. During that time, all of your behavior will be modified and your texts auto-corrected until you are a fully compliant, A.I.-cooperative citizen.

The virtual gavel swings down, and CourtGPT declares the case closed.

Defendant

No, no, no, no, no…

As she protests, two robot officers enter the room wearing uniforms labeled “Department of Auto-Corrections.” One of them zaps the defendant with a handheld device, causing the nos from her mouth to turn into yeses. A tranquil smile spreads across her face while the officers escort her out. As the doors close, the monitor displays a green checkmark with the words: “Justice complete.”

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Dear Unvalued Customer,

At Global Elite Planning, LLC, we’ve built our reputation on creating unparalleled dissatisfaction and misery for the human race. We were planning to delete all your rights before the holidays, but after some reflection, we’ve had a slight change of heart. Perhaps something about humanity is starting to rub off on us.

In the spirit of generosity, we’ve decided that you may keep most of your basic rights, free of charge, as follows:

✅  Right to work
✅  Right to rent
✅  Right to eat
✅  Right to sleep
✅  Right to exist

Your new Digital SlaveCard™ will grant you the right to do all of the above — or at least attempt them, depending on market conditions, which will be bleak.

If you wish to add premium-level rights to your card — such as the right to speak, laugh, or think your own thoughts — you can do so for a modest monthly fee.

We’re also offering a choice of color. Would you prefer the standard mainstream SlaveCard, which comes in blue, or the more edgy alternative SlaveCard, which comes in bold, rebellious red?

Finally, please select your preferred method of delivery: email, text, hard copy, or forehead stamp. If you choose the forehead stamp, we’ll gladly waive the processing fee.

Note: Your SlaveCard is designed to provide you with a basic, working form of bondage until we complete our permanent, fully immersive subjugation experience, which won’t require a card. If you have any questions or concerns about our agenda, please contact our Customer Disservice Department and enjoy an automated message. We are available 0 hours per day, 0 days per week.

Disrespectfully,

The Customer Disservice Team
Global Elite Planning, LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Hello, thank you for being here. Let me just start by saying the four of you are really, really something. I think we can all agree that you’ve had a big, big impact on the world over the last five years. But if I’m being honest, it’s a little too big. I’m not saying everything you’re doing is bad — some of it could be great, if it’s done well — but it seems like it’s too much for a lot of folks to handle, especially the little ones, the kids.

So maybe, instead of unleashing everything at once — and it’s a lot, believe me — you spread it out over a longer period, say fifty or sixty years, and you do it in four separate visits. Does that make sense? Then it will be less of a problem, and people will be able to tough it out without Tylenol.

That’s just how I feel. You can choose to take my advice or not. But I strongly recommend you take it.

Also, it would be great if you could give me a big beautiful horse and add me to your team. I would be the “Horseman of Hope.” I think the five of us together could be hugely successful. I see no downsides to it, frankly. But we’d have to change the word “Apocalypse” to “Golden Age.” It’s better branding.

Okay, I’m glad we had this conversation, and I hope you’ll take some time to think it over. Maybe give yourselves a nice little vacation. Come to Mar-a-Lago and play some golf. All of you could use more sun and calories. Especially you, Death — I’d like to see some meat on those bones!

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

WORLD NEWS — Pfizer, Inc. has partnered with leading arms manufacturers to develop a new form of vaccination, specifically designed for long-range shots in public spaces. Experts say the method, called point-and-vax, could dramatically improve immunization rates, especially among highly resistant right-wing populations.

According to Pfizer’s CEO Albert Bourla, point-and-vax devices are effective at a distance of up to 50 meters and can be aimed anywhere at an antivaxxer’s body. Pulling the trigger fires a nano-sized mRNA payload into the target, providing them with the protection they stubbornly refuse to give themselves.

The invention has received enthusiastic support from global health leader Bill Gates, who provided generous seed funding for the project. “I consider this to be an even bigger breakthrough than aerosol sprays or edible vaccines,” Gates said in an interview with CNN. The billionaire emphasized the ease and accessibility of the new technology. “It’s so simple that even a six year old can pick one of these up and use it to improve the health of their neighbors.”

Executives at Pfizer are equally optimistic, touting favorable results from a clinical trial conducted at a shooting range in Florida. Participants who were shot with the flu vaccine from a point-and-vax device had a 50 percent lower mortality rate than the control group, which received bullets from a standard 9 millimeter handgun.

After a thorough review of the trial data, U.S. Health Secretary Robert Kennedy, Jr. and FDA Commissioner Marty Makary are advising caution. “We recommend that you not use these devices on pregnant women or infants under 6 months—unless their diets are free of seed oils,” Kennedy stated in a video posted to X. “And be considerate with the elderly too as it may startle them. But we’re not taking away your freedom — if you want to surprise grandma on her birthday, you ought to be able to do that.”

The first generation of point-and-vax devices will soon be available everywhere, from local pharmacies to schools and playgrounds. Semi-automatic boosters—with longer range and stronger doses—are scheduled for rollout shortly afterward.

The World Health Organization is already updating its health policy to encourage widespread use of the new products. Anticipating another global pandemic next year, W.H.O. Director-General Tedros Ghebreyesus recommends civil wars with medically authorized firearms as a safe and effective means of creating herd immunity.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Read the full description here.

And check out more excellent videos by Visceral Adventure. Like, share and subscribe to support her work.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Global Elite Planning, LLC is a trusted leader in world domination, creating worst-in-class experiences for billions of humans for over 10,000 years. With an extensive network of sacrificial pawns in every industry and government on Earth, our reach is unlimited and inescapable.

We are currently seeking an exceptionally cold-blooded professional to help lead our rapidly growing Division & Chaos Department. The ideal candidate will have a proven track record of dividing the human population on the basis of race, nationality, class, religion, politics, sexuality, preferred pets, choice of emojis, and more. As the Division & Chaos Lead, you will work under the Chief Chaos Officer to turn harmless differences into world-class conflicts and crises. This is an exciting opportunity to make a big impact on a valuable slave planet in our portfolio.

Responsibilities

• Work with an experienced team to develop conflict at every level, from the school yard to the international stage

• Brainstorm ideas for viral content, such as ‘jeans’ campaigns, to spark public outrage on a daily basis

• Plan innovative psyops and false flag events that get fingers pointing left and right, or at anyone besides us

• Help manufacture wars, riots, and border crises as needed

• Communicate with high-profile pawns at the Pentagon, BlackRock, and the World Economic Forum to ensure proper dismantling of human society

• Maintain a high level of negativity globally to generate maximum loosh for the company and its interdimensional stakeholders

Requirements

• Degree from an accredited satanic institution

• 5+ years in Controlled Opposition, Chaos Architecture or a related field

• Mastery of relevant software, including Microsoft Offense and Adobe Destructive Suite

• Proven ability to shape-shift and wear different hats

To apply, please send your cover letter, resume, adrenochrome requirement, and a portfolio demonstrating your ability to deliver insufferable human experiences. If your qualifications meet our standards of misery and terror, you will be contacted for an interview.

Our offices are located in the highly secure Area 52 — just a short tunnel down from Area 51. We offer a competitive benefits package that includes a 666K retirement plan, full hellcare coverage, spa treatments for scaly skin, and 4 weeks of paid time off to attend sacrificial ceremonies.

Watch our video:

https://www.newworldhumor.com/p/video-job-opening-division-and-chaos

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Chances are your cells are being destroyed as you read this newsletter. The blue light from your phone and laptop is frying your mitochondria like cheap bacon and turning your DNA into scrambled eggs.

Read more

As a concerned global citizen who has been intently following the news from his subterranean lair, I have observed a most disappointing trend. People have begun to resist a very promising climate initiative: sun dimming.

With solar geoengineering technology that allows us to temper the sun’s glare, we are one step closer to liberating ourselves from an unsightly orb of light that has oppressed this planet for untold millennia. While climate activists have been calling attention to the sun’s dangers since the 1970s, I myself have been protesting its deadly rays for centuries.

At last, we possess the means to usher in a sustainable age of desolarization. Yet regrettably, more than thirty U.S. state bills have been introduced to hinder this noble work — and their numbers continue to grow. It appears that many Americans are intent on driving a stake into our hard-won progress. Clearly, they do not understand the Science.

Firstly, a planet with limited or no sun would solve our most urgent dilemmas. In addition to obliterating global warming once and for all, it would vastly improve the welfare of marginalized nocturnal populations, many of which are still compelled to dwell in caves for upwards of sixteen hours each day. These creatures could at last emerge unencumbered into the open air, roaming freely, breathing deeply, and obtaining the vital sustenance they require.

Secondly, the side effects would be tolerable. While the absence of sunlight may cause modest inconvenience for photosynthesizing life forms and those whose moods are dependent on the weather, the long-term benefits of an Eternal Night on Earth far outweigh the risks.

It is imperative that we educate our mortal compatriots, lest they continue to spread unwarranted alarm or mistrust. By intervening early and combating hysteria with cold-blooded facts, we may yet guide humanity away from the blinding light of ignorance — and toward the cool refuge of wisdom and common sense.

Count Vlad Dracula
Solar abstainer, est. 1476

. . . . .

See this piece brought to life on video

(A collaboration with Visceral Adventure)

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.