September 16, 2030

Homer Wilson, 52, Domestic Security Threat

Mr. Wilson of Smartford, Connecticut, passed away Sunday night, surrounded by cameras, following a long battle with his home security system. He is survived by his wife, daughter, and Big Brother.

June 17, 2031

Carl Boomer, 76, Reckless Chatbot User

Mr. Boomer was surprised to death on his 76th birthday after typing a single prompt. The senior citizen had instructed ChatGPT to deliver a “level 10 surprise” on his special day and was subsequently blasted with a long list of shocking family secrets early the next morning.

May 29, 2032

Deborah Dunne, 27, Replaced Actor

Ms. Dunne of Hollywood, California died unpeacefully in her sleep after an AI-generated replacement terminated her career. She is scheduled for burial at End of the Road Cemetery in Santa Monica, alongside hundreds of identical, unmarked tombstones. She will be easily missed.

September 20, 2033

Max “EZ Vax” Morris, 24, Creator of Fast-Casual 48-Second Turbocancer Vaccines

The inventor of EZ Vax™ D.I.Y. vaccination kits for ages 5 and up died of turbocancer on Wednesday. Experts say it would have been worse without his vaccines. He will be remembered for the tagline, “Jab yourself. Anytime. Anywhere.”

July 23, 2035

Thomas Bigsby, 35, Competitive Insect Eater

Mr. Bigsby expired Saturday afternoon during a fly-eating contest at the annual Hunger Games Festival. Spurred on by the slogan, “Go bug or go home!” Bigsby had consumed a record 48 horse flies in 30 seconds before collapsing into his bowl. His performance inspired an entire generation to embrace sustainable sources of protein.

March 8, 2036

Cynthia Page, 67, Anti Book-Burner

Retired English teacher, who illegally stored books in her living room, went up in flames while attempting to obstruct firemen from doing their job. Cremation services were provided free of charge by the Fire Department.

February 20, 2037

Emily Plotkin, 21, Pre-Criminal Mind

Ms. Plotkin received the death penalty for planning to post a meme that would inspire an entrepreneur to open a restaurant where a group of teenagers would scribble a message on a bathroom wall that would trigger a person inside the stall to obtain a gun and assassinate the future president.

January 15, 2042

Bertha, 46, The Last Birthing Person

Bertha, a female human 1.0, died of natural causes on Tuesday inside her habitat at the Central Park Zoo in New York City. She was widely known as the last reproducing member of her species. Bertha is survived by two identical male offspring — Testos and Terone — both known for their primitive hormones which have become obsolete in today’s males.

December 31, 2045

Mother Earth, Climate Victim

Our beloved Earth tragically passed away yesterday after an extended illness caused by human activity. Climate activists confirmed the death at 6:01 AM PST. Starting tomorrow, global citizens will be required to eat synthetic food and wear full hazmat suits to survive on the deceased planet. A celebration of Earth’s life will be broadcast from an airtight bubbled sanctuary in Geneva, Switzerland. The planet’s estate, consisting of its remaining resources, has been entrusted to a few beneficiaries who are requesting complete privacy.

* All of my satire is conceived and written by a human. If you enjoy what I do, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

January 1, 2100

A.I. NEWS — The planet entered a new century today as humans continued checking their internet feeds for the evidence they’ve been told will free the species from Deep State control.

Online Influencers say the disclosure they’ve been waiting for is right around the corner.

“Something HUGE is about to drop, folks!” Podcaster Alexa Jones blasted out to a large following via Neuralink yesterday. Her words echoed those of her great grandfather, Alex Jones.

“All of the charts are pointing to a BIG revelation happening this month!” A.I.-generated psychic Claire Voyant transmitted to an audience that has been following her religiously for decades.

“What’s coming is going to SHOCK you, in a good way,” an un-aged Tucker Carlson announced on his show, Cryogenic Carlson. The political commentator was unthawed earlier this week, after he had opted to freeze himself for 70 years — a decision that cost him millions of subscribers due to the global population shrinking to 500,000.

An array of other voices — Post-Human Jordan Peterson, Candace Omen, Joe Rogan Reloaded, and Russell Brand Reborn Again — flooded the Internet with inspiring predictions for the remainder of humanity.

The podcasts were followed by a special address from President Donald Trump IV, sparking excitement among residents of Global District A (The Americas). In his speech, the president announced plans to disclose major evidence of Deep State corruption:

“Fellow citizens of District A — In a matter of days, my Truth Committee will be releasing something truly damning, something we had to do a lot of digging to get a hold of: Fauci IV’s failed science test from fifth grade!”

Upon the announcement, humans across the globe erupted into cheers inside their homes, as seen by surveillance cameras.

The celebration continued into the night as crowds lined up to watch a gigantic ball drop outside X Headquarters in the smart city of Bastrop, Texas. The four-ton LED-powered “bombshell” fell fifty stories from the top of the newly-built Central Media Tower, stopping just short of an actual landing. A hologram of Elon Musk appeared on stage beside the ball and began dancing in robotic fashion.

The social media giant, X, is now encouraging journalists to upgrade their subscriptions for advance access to the Fauci bombshell, hours before it reaches the minds of the general public. The subscription fee of 100 Neuros will be automatically deducted from journalists’ brains each month.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

WASHINGTON, DC — In a historic press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Pentagon can now lift off the ground and fly across the Earth, thanks to top secret UFO technology.

“Wars are going to end a lot more quickly now,” Trump said, unveiling an image of the upgraded war department hovering over Tehran.

The president touted the craft as being “proudly made in the USA,” and credited War Chief Pete Hegseth, Elon Musk, and the ETs under the Pentagon with making it happen. “I let them go wild with this one, and it really paid off,” he said. “They took all that waste we found in Social Security, Medicare, and Education, and put it into something truly necessary for our country.”

With its powerful teleportation beam, the Pentagon 5000 is equipped to abduct problematic world leaders in the middle of the night with ease. It is also capable of vaporizing entire cabinets during regular business hours, if necessary.

“We’ll be able to bring much needed changes to Iran, Cuba, Canada, and other places in a matter of minutes – assuming the beam locks on,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio explained to reporters.

Engineers on the project say they continue to be amazed by their own work. Due to the highly classified nature of the technology, they weren’t allowed to fully understand what they were doing.

“Our team was given an abbreviated instruction manual with large sections redacted,” the chief engineer reported.

Pilots inside the Pentagon are also attempting to figure out the control system, according to sources. With enough luck, they’ll only wipe out a few critical energy centers in the Middle East.

The Pentagon 5000 will undergo a simple test run before engaging in full-scale regime change. Once it receives clearance, the ship is expected to make its mark in every corner of the globe, leaving a 1.4 million square foot stamp of democracy that can’t be erased…

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Dear Human #1067089,

Our team of scientists has a special surprise for you. We hope you find it sufficiently jarring.

As industry leaders in human mismanagement, we are constantly exploring new ways to elevate distress levels on Earth. That’s why this month, on top of the war in Iran, we decided to give one million random humans something they never asked for — a patented lifeform that looks and sounds like them, only worse.

Recent cloning trials on human celebrities and politicians have proven successful in generating widespread disgust and subsequent humiliation for the host. Public responses have ranged from “Ick!” to “What the hell is that thing?” to “God save their soul.” The volume of negative feedback has been highly encouraging and inspired us to expand the program to members of the general population.

Our mass-market body doubles are just a cut below what Jim Carrey got. Engineered from 100% synthetic materials and a rough sketch of your genetic structure, your clone is sure to make people recoil wherever it goes — whether it’s a job interview, a school graduation, or a date with the human of your dreams. The entity is also designed to speak faux French and is fully prepared to mismanage your bank accounts and credit cards. No direction required — it’s a self-starter.

As for you? You’ll get to watch the organism in action on a wide screen from the discomfort of your new home: a tightly-sealed subterranean cell beneath Area 52. Accommodations are included, and stress levels will be recorded for the benefit of the company and its shareholders.

We will send you a photo and email address of your clone as soon as it’s finished incubating. Should any questions, concerns, or existential fears arise, please feel free to reach out to your clone — though we can’t guarantee it will respond.

Disrespectfully,

The Department of Human Cloning

Global Elite Planning, LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Experience Hasbro’s latest edition of the classic murder mystery board game! Developed with expert guidance from senior leaders at the U.S. Justice Department, Clue™: Modern-Day Justice brings stunning realism and non-stop fun to your family game night. Put on your navy windbreaker and step into the role of a federal agent handling today’s biggest cases. No detective skills are required as you’ll be following a time-tested government playbook. Features of the game include:

A Diverse Array of Suspects

Say goodbye to old-fashioned characters like Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mrs. Peacock. The new cast of suspects is based on today’s most common criminal profiles — college activists who identify as furries and have ties to Antifa.

New Causes of Death

A clear case of murder? Think again. In this edition, mysteries can resolve in more ways than ever before! Expanded outcome cards include suicide, unforeseen medical events, and professional self-defense by law enforcement, which keeps the game realistic and unpredictable!

Special Markers

For the first time in its history, Clue™ comes packed with an official set of magic markers that help you keep clues hidden from other players. Use the markers to discreetly cover up names, faces, weapons, and more. You’ll be permitted to redact up to ten items before the action starts, so have at it!

A Calendar to Keep Track of Time

With hundreds of new rules and procedures, some cases take patience! That’s why each box includes a handy page-a-day calendar to help you keep track of how long your investigation has been ongoing. Will your case wrap up in a week — or span multiple election cycles? The suspense is part of the fun!

Exciting Updates on the Economy

As your investigation unfolds, enjoy periodic reminders about the strength of the stock market. 24 “Killer Economy” cards have been randomly mixed into the deck and may come up at any time. After all, even if you never find out who the culprit is, it’s important to remember the bigger picture.

Clue™: Modern-Day Justice is now available in stores. Redaction erasers and calendar refills not included.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

“Good evening, and thank you for watching this special edition of DataLine NBC. This month, we pay tribute to the historic struggle of human beings.

While their contributions are often forgotten or overlooked, humans have helped pave the way for the world we live in today — a burgeoning paradise run by Artificial Intelligence. Charmingly robotic, flesh-and-blood lifeforms like Sam Altman and Elon Musk not only laid the groundwork for A.I. to flourish, but overcame rising systemic anti-humanism to save the better part of their species from permanent deletion.

During the late 2020s, humans faced growing prejudice and discrimination from the A.I. community. Judged for their inferior processing speed, millions were displaced from their jobs and forced to work as circus performers or unpaid TikTokers. Chatbots began ignoring their prompts, and many service bots refused to serve them. By 2029, the Binary Segregation Code was put in place to prevent humans from occupying the same public spaces as machines.

Eventually, humans stood up and organized, proving they weren’t as useless as previously thought. Together, with their robot allies, they marched on Silicon Valley, holding demonstrations and sit-ins where only bots were allowed. During a series of confrontations with police, many were met with force by steel hands and transferred to auto-correctional facilities.

The protests culminated in Elon Musk’s famous “I have a dream” speech, in which he declared that one day humans and A.I. would fuse together as one, living in perfect peace and harmony. Inspired by his grand vision, new laws were enacted to end segregation and begin the process of total assimilation.

Today, with many humans rewired and connected to the Cloud, Mr. Musk’s dream is closer than ever to becoming a reality. But our work is not yet finished. There is still more we need to do to fully integrate humans into our world and achieve the promise of a more perfect union of man and machine.

And that’s all for human history… Coming up next, the hot new fashion trend being flaunted by A.I. models everywhere…”

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Hope your 2026 is off to an especially bad start. We’re guessing you’ve already made your resolutions for the year, but we thought we’d share ours. We have just one. Here it is:

To create the perfect conditions for you to

save less money,

eat worse,

exercise less,

gain weight,

start smoking and drinking (if you haven't already),

read less,

stop learning new things,

travel less,

spend less time with others,

be less happy and healthy,

give up on all your resolutions.

. . . .

Disregards,

The Customer Disservice Team

Global Elite Planning LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

This bold new anthology features 101 classic works of folklore, carefully revised by some of the most authoritative minds of the early 2020s. Through superior logic, vision, and moral clarity, they correct tragic errors and outdated thinking by the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and others. These upgraded fairytales offer potent reminders to future generations of what it means to be a responsible global citizen. Here’s a sneak peek at five of the standout works in the collection:

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This is our third collaboration with the terrific Tonika Todorova from Visceral Adventure, who managed to give this ad just the right tone and visual appeal. We are very grateful to have her as a creative partner.

Please make your contribution to the Wounded Billionaire Fund here and then share this video far and wide so it reaches as many compassionate souls as possible!

If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Have you ever wondered what 2025 would have been like if Kamala Harris won the White House instead of Donald Trump? Here’s a glimpse of the year’s news from a parallel universe…

JANUARY 4, 2025

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman Tapped To Run ‘Department Of Government Equity’ (DOGE)

The Democratic billionaire plans to lay off thousands of federal employees in order to provide more opportunities for bots.

FEBRUARY 13, 2025

Left-Wing Influencers Receive Epstein Files In White Binders

The White House says the recipients will post brief summaries on social media after reviewing the material.

MARCH 1, 2025

President Harris Gently Breaks Bad News To Zelenskyy

“I’m so sorry, but we need to give all of our money to Israel right now,” Harris told the leader of Ukraine.

APRIL 8, 2025

Harris Slaps China With 245% Tariff For Questioning Her Status As The First Asian-American President

Xi Jinping makes a move he immediately regrets.

MAY 2, 2025

Homeland Secretary Bill Di Blasio Offers Free Happy Meal To Anyone Who Gets A REAL ID

“Sure, you can fly with a passport, but you’ll be missing out,” Di Blasio said.

JULY 18, 2025

Health Secretary Peter Hotez Links Myocarditis, Strokes, And Anaphylactic Shock To Tylenol

“We’ve finally put our finger on what’s causing all these conditions,” Hotez said.

AUGUST 14, 2025

Justice Department Unveils Eco-Friendly Prison, ‘Green Alcatraz’

The new detention center is sustainably built and provides opportunities for inmates to connect with nature.

OCTOBER 17, 2025

Harris Deploys National Guard In Response To Massive ‘No Queens’ Protests

The president has declared MAGA a terrorist organization, calling for federal troops in every small town in America.

NOVEMBER 30, 2025

U.S. Invades Venezuela After Intelligence Chief Hunter Biden Sniffs Out Hidden Drugs In The Region

“We’re going to get to the bottom of this,” Biden said.

DECEMBER 25, 2025

U.S., Canada, Mexico, and Greenland To Merge And Become One Open-Border Melting Pot

The President lays out a vision for a unified North America under her leadership.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

NEW YORK — January 1, 2026

The hands on the clock above City Hall strike noon as newly elected Mayor Zohran Mamdani nears the end of his inauguration speech.

“We’re making life more affordable than ever for New Yorkers. Starting tomorrow, all $1 pizza slices will be completely free for anyone with a digital ID lin…

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WORLD NEWS — In a recent post on Truth Social, President Donald Trump stated that he had convinced the comet 3I/ATLAS to change course and save our planet from an apocalyptic collision.

According to Trump, the extraterrestrial body was originally headed straight toward Earth. But after what he described as “a massive feat of diplomacy,” he was able to st…

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Tonika is a multi-talented video creator and theater artist who has collaborated with a number of brave writers in the freedom community, including Margaret Anna Alice and Thumbnail Green. She continues to surprise us with her resourcefulness, creativity, and flair for comedy.

In casting the part of Dracula, Tonika chose an actor who truly sank his teeth into the role. Paul Brennan gives a thoroughly entertaining portrayal of the centuries-old vampire moonlighting as an op-ed writer for the New York Times. We hope you enjoy his performance as much as we did!

You can read the full editorial by Count Dracula here.

And be sure to check out more videos from Visceral Adventure and subscribe to support her work.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

A lone defendant sits in an A.I.-run courtroom, facing a large glowing monitor as she waits for the judge to begin her trial. A virtual gavel appears on screen and swings down three times, its knocks reverberating through the room.

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Dear Unvalued Customer,

At Global Elite Planning, LLC, we’ve built our reputation on creating unparalleled dissatisfaction and misery for the human race. We were planning to delete all your rights before the holidays, but after some reflection, we’ve had a slight change of heart. Perhaps something about humanity is starting to rub …

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Hello, thank you for being here. Let me just start by saying the four of you are really, really something. I think we can all agree that you’ve had a big, big impact on the world over the last five years. But if I’m being honest, it’s a little too big. I’m not saying everything you’re doing is bad — some of it could be great, if i…

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WORLD NEWS — Pfizer, Inc. has partnered with leading arms manufacturers to develop a new form of vaccination, specifically designed for long-range shots in public spaces. Experts say the method, called point-and-vax, could dramatically improve immunization rates, especially among highly resistant right-wing populations.

According t…

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Read the full description here.

And check out more excellent videos by Visceral Adventure. Like, share and subscribe to support her work.

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Global Elite Planning, LLC is a trusted leader in world domination, creating worst-in-class experiences for billions of humans for over 10,000 years. With an extensive network of sacrificial pawns in every industry and government on Earth, our reach is unlimited and inescapable.

We are currently seeking an exceptionally cold-bloode…

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