This bold new anthology features 101 classic works of folklore, carefully revised by some of the most authoritative minds of the early 2020s. Through superior logic, vision, and moral clarity, they correct tragic errors and outdated thinking by the Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and others. These upgraded fairytales offer potent reminders to future generations of what it means to be a responsible global citizen. Here’s a sneak peek at five of the standout works in the collection:

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Chances are your cells are being destroyed as you read this newsletter. The blue light from your phone and laptop is frying your mitochondria like cheap bacon and turning your DNA into scrambled eggs.

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A curtain opens. In the middle of the stage, two wooden marionettes stand face to face under a spotlight.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

Why did you hit me?

. . . .

Putin

You made me do it.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

What? How?

. . . .

Putin

You pulled my strings.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

I didnʼt touch your strings.

. . . .

Putin

You accuse me of lying?

. . . .

An unseen force raises Putinʼs arm up, then swings it down hard, knocking Zelenskyyʼs arm out of its socket.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

(winces)

Ah! Look what you just did!

. . . .

Putin

Sorry, youʼve been disarmed… but I had no choice, you see.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

Stop acting like the victim here!

. . . .

Putin

(laughs)

Acting! Iʼm sure you know much about that.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

I used to be a performer, but those days are far behind me. Now, I take matters very seriously!

. . . .

As if by magic, a new wooden arm whisks into the scene and attaches to Zelenskyy’s shoulder socket.

. . . .

Putin

I see youʼve been re-armed.

. . . .

Zelenskyy

I have friends in high places who can supply me with unlimited arms.

. . . .

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“Is The Abominable Wolf as bad as they say he is?” a little pig asked his mother one night as she tucked him into bed.

“Oh yes, dear,” replied the mother, pulling her son’s blanket up to his chin.

“Worse than the Big Bad Wolf?”

“Much worse,” the mother said. “Last I checked, the death count was at fifty thousand pigs.”

The little pig let out a small gasp. “Has he eaten anyone near to us?”

“Yes, I’m afraid he has… You remember Mr. Hogsworth down the road? And Ms. Pink, who lives over the hill. Also, your great Uncle Boar, whom you never met.”

The little pig thought for a moment. “Does this wolf only eat pigs that are old?”

“That’s what they thought at first,” replied the mother. “But now they say he likes young ones too. Remember Sam Oinkman?

“You mean Sad Sam, who fell from his chimney?”

“Yes, dear… but experts say it was the Wolf who climbed up to the chimney and made Sam fall to his death.”

“Oh!”

“And Billy Mud…”

“You mean Big Billy, who ate too much?”

“Yes, dear… but they say it was the Wolf who got into Billy’s kitchen and stuffed him with sweets so he would grow big and fat.”

“Oh no!”

“And of course, there’s poor Lucy…”

“You mean Unlucky Lucy, who got struck by lightning?”

“Yes, dear… but they say it was the Wolf who channeled the lightning and zapped the life out of poor Lucy.”

“Oh! I didn’t know a wolf could do that!”

“Neither did I. They’re constantly learning new things about this wolf and what it can do. There’s still a lot we don’t know!”

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To reassure the world that the Science hasn’t changed and never will, experts at the CDC, NIH, and various other agencies have decided to immortalize their guidance in a series of children’s books. Below is a selection of timeless tales, rewritten with love and care by trusted health authorities. These works are now mandatory reading for all ages:

. . . . . . .

The Wonderful Wizard Who Locked Down Oz

by Frank Baum and The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

A powerful tornado transports young Dorothy Gale to the land of Oz, where a wicked witch has just released a deadly strain of Flying Monkey Pox on the population. In order to prevent the spread of the disease, the Wizard of Oz institutes a lockdown, forbidding anyone from leaving the land. While most of the inhabitants are willing to quarantine for the greater good, Dorothy selfishly insists on returning home.

Joined by three grifters that she meets along the yellow brick road, the spoiled teenager travels to Emerald City to complain to the Wizard. However, because she tests positive for Flying Monkey Pox, she cannot enter to see him.

Unable to get her way, Dorothy considers escaping Oz illegally. She is egged on by Glinda, the misguided Witch of the North, who tells her to ignore the mandates and use her magic slippers to get back home. But authorities in Munchkin Land warn that if she goes back to Kansas, she could transmit Flying Monkey Pox to her immunocompromised Aunty Em. This forces Dorothy to make a difficult decision: Will she follow the guidance of qualified experts in Oz? Or allow her ignorance to put her entire family at risk?

. . . . . . .

Peter Pan Grows Up And Listens To The Scientists

by J.M. Barrie and Dr. Anthony Fauci

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