Dear Human #1067089,

Our team of scientists has a special surprise for you. We hope you find it sufficiently jarring.

As industry leaders in human mismanagement, we are constantly exploring new ways to elevate distress levels on Earth. That’s why this month, on top of the war in Iran, we decided to give one million random humans something they never asked for — a patented lifeform that looks and sounds like them, only worse.

Recent cloning trials on human celebrities and politicians have proven successful in generating widespread disgust and subsequent humiliation for the host. Public responses have ranged from “Ick!” to “What the hell is that thing?” to “God save their soul.” The volume of negative feedback has been highly encouraging and inspired us to expand the program to members of the general population.

Our mass-market body doubles are just a cut below what Jim Carrey got. Engineered from 100% synthetic materials and a rough sketch of your genetic structure, your clone is sure to make people recoil wherever it goes — whether it’s a job interview, a school graduation, or a date with the human of your dreams. The entity is also designed to speak faux French and is fully prepared to mismanage your bank accounts and credit cards. No direction required — it’s a self-starter.

As for you? You’ll get to watch the organism in action on a wide screen from the discomfort of your new home: a tightly-sealed subterranean cell beneath Area 52. Accommodations are included, and stress levels will be recorded for the benefit of the company and its shareholders.

We will send you a photo and email address of your clone as soon as it’s finished incubating. Should any questions, concerns, or existential fears arise, please feel free to reach out to your clone — though we can’t guarantee it will respond.

Disrespectfully,

The Department of Human Cloning

Global Elite Planning, LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Hope your 2026 is off to an especially bad start. We’re guessing you’ve already made your resolutions for the year, but we thought we’d share ours. We have just one. Here it is:

To create the perfect conditions for you to

save less money,

eat worse,

exercise less,

gain weight,

start smoking and drinking (if you haven't already),

read less,

stop learning new things,

travel less,

spend less time with others,

be less happy and healthy,

give up on all your resolutions.

. . . .

Disregards,

The Customer Disservice Team

Global Elite Planning LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Dear Unvalued Customer,

At Global Elite Planning, LLC, we’ve built our reputation on creating unparalleled dissatisfaction and misery for the human race. We were planning to delete all your rights before the holidays, but after some reflection, we’ve had a slight change of heart. Perhaps something about humanity is starting to rub off on us.

In the spirit of generosity, we’ve decided that you may keep most of your basic rights, free of charge, as follows:

✅  Right to work
✅  Right to rent
✅  Right to eat
✅  Right to sleep
✅  Right to exist

Your new Digital SlaveCard™ will grant you the right to do all of the above — or at least attempt them, depending on market conditions, which will be bleak.

If you wish to add premium-level rights to your card — such as the right to speak, laugh, or think your own thoughts — you can do so for a modest monthly fee.

We’re also offering a choice of color. Would you prefer the standard mainstream SlaveCard, which comes in blue, or the more edgy alternative SlaveCard, which comes in bold, rebellious red?

Finally, please select your preferred method of delivery: email, text, hard copy, or forehead stamp. If you choose the forehead stamp, we’ll gladly waive the processing fee.

Note: Your SlaveCard is designed to provide you with a basic, working form of bondage until we complete our permanent, fully immersive subjugation experience, which won’t require a card. If you have any questions or concerns about our agenda, please contact our Customer Disservice Department and enjoy an automated message. We are available 0 hours per day, 0 days per week.

Disrespectfully,

The Customer Disservice Team
Global Elite Planning, LLC

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Global Elite Planning, LLC is a trusted leader in world domination, creating worst-in-class experiences for billions of humans for over 10,000 years. With an extensive network of sacrificial pawns in every industry and government on Earth, our reach is unlimited and inescapable.

We are currently seeking an exceptionally cold-blooded professional to help lead our rapidly growing Division & Chaos Department. The ideal candidate will have a proven track record of dividing the human population on the basis of race, nationality, class, religion, politics, sexuality, preferred pets, choice of emojis, and more. As the Division & Chaos Lead, you will work under the Chief Chaos Officer to turn harmless differences into world-class conflicts and crises. This is an exciting opportunity to make a big impact on a valuable slave planet in our portfolio.

Responsibilities

• Work with an experienced team to develop conflict at every level, from the school yard to the international stage

• Brainstorm ideas for viral content, such as ‘jeans’ campaigns, to spark public outrage on a daily basis

• Plan innovative psyops and false flag events that get fingers pointing left and right, or at anyone besides us

• Help manufacture wars, riots, and border crises as needed

• Communicate with high-profile pawns at the Pentagon, BlackRock, and the World Economic Forum to ensure proper dismantling of human society

• Maintain a high level of negativity globally to generate maximum loosh for the company and its interdimensional stakeholders

Requirements

• Degree from an accredited satanic institution

• 5+ years in Controlled Opposition, Chaos Architecture or a related field

• Mastery of relevant software, including Microsoft Offense and Adobe Destructive Suite

• Proven ability to shape-shift and wear different hats

To apply, please send your cover letter, resume, adrenochrome requirement, and a portfolio demonstrating your ability to deliver insufferable human experiences. If your qualifications meet our standards of misery and terror, you will be contacted for an interview.

Our offices are located in the highly secure Area 52 — just a short tunnel down from Area 51. We offer a competitive benefits package that includes a 666K retirement plan, full hellcare coverage, spa treatments for scaly skin, and 4 weeks of paid time off to attend sacrificial ceremonies.

Watch our video:

https://www.newworldhumor.com/p/video-job-opening-division-and-chaos

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.

Here at Global Elite Planning, LLC, we strive to create unforgettable, worst-in-class experiences for billions of ordinary humans. That’s why your feedback is important to us. Please take a moment out of your otherwise useless existence to complete this brief one minute survey.

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