

Hi guys! It’s us –– your old pals, Bill, Anthony, and Albert. Look, we know what you’re thinking: It’s been over three years now, and you’ve never touched a needle, yet you seem to be in better shape than all of your vaccinated friends and family members. We totally get that… but there are still a number of reasons to roll up your sleeve. Here are the key benefits of taking our shots:
1. Protection Against Public Ridicule
If nothing else, being vaccinated will protect you from severe demonization by your peers, as well as the entire government, medical community, and mainstream media. A joint study by Pfizer and the White House found that unvaccinated individuals were 70% more likely to be shamed, bullied, and cast out of society than those who had received their recommended shots.
2. Better Wifi
Our latest studies show that fully vaccinated individuals have a strong internal wifi connection that unvaccinated individuals do not have. When working in remote areas away from cell towers, it was found that persons who had received at least two mRNA graphene oxide injections could still access the internet, while the control group sitting near them was unable to get a signal.
3. Reduced Risk of Boredom
With an exciting range of possible conditions you could develop, from tinnitus to myocarditis, your chances of getting bored will be significantly reduced after vaccination. You’ll have the opportunity to learn about diseases you never knew existed and explore unusual bodily sensations you’ve never felt before.
4. Meet Your Deductible
If you’re concerned that you’re wasting money on health insurance because you rarely see the doctor, our vaccines will help with that. Medical records show that vaccinated individuals spend more time with their physicians, allowing them to meet their deductible twice as quickly as their unvaccinated counterparts.
5. What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger
According to renowned pop expert Kelly Clarkson, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” We believe this wisdom applies to our vaccines. With each successive dose that you survive, you can expect to grow stronger –– if not physically, then at least on an emotional level.
6. Drinks On Us
We’ve partnered with Bud Light to make your public health experience extra special. Sign up for your first jab today, and you’ll get a free round of drinks on us. A little alcohol should help you loosen up and relax before going under the needle. Here’s to Big Pharma and Big Beer!