Holiday Cheer Comes Second To Carbon Neutrality This Year
Official Parenting Guidelines From Santa Klaus, Chairman And Supreme Leader of The New North Pole Order
As a responsible caregiver, it is your duty to ensure that your children temper their joy and expectations in light of the climate emergency this Holiday season. Here are 7 foolproof ways to mold your little ones into eco-conscious citizens, just in time for my annual carbon audit:
1. Decorate your tree with bright flaming Earth ornaments.
Each morning of the 12 Days of Christmas, your children should awaken to the soft, flickering glow of burning Earth orbs dangling ominously from the branches. Let every twinkle serve as a gentle reminder that the planet is on fire somewhere. Subtle? No. Effective? Absolutely.
2. Teach your little ones the true cost of each item on their wish list.
Sit your children down and go through their wish lists, item by item. Break down the ecological devastation each toy represents: how many irreplaceable resources were sacrificed in its creation and how much carbon dioxide will be released to fulfill their selfish whims. By the end of it, they should be ashamed of wanting anything at all. Bonus points if you manage to shrink their wish list to a grand total of zero.
3. Separate the “naughty” from the “nice”.
This year, the “Naughty or Nice” list is all about climate activism. A “Nice” child will throw tantrums, spray paint the walls, and demand action on climate change at the top of their lungs. A “Naughty” child, on the other hand, will sit idly by, passively accepting their fate. These little apaths will receive nothing but a single plant-based, fair-trade notebook — perfect for writing their letters of apology to future generations.
4. Bug out on sustainable treats.
On Christmas Eve, bake wholesome cricket and grasshopper cookies and proudly tell your little tots how they are helping to save the planet with every bite. Sure, they may balk at first, but with the right sales pitch, they’ll soon be gobbling up these eco-friendly treats every day of the New Year.
5. Tell them the bedtime story of the melting ice caps at the North Pole.
Tuck your little ones into bed and alarm them with the tragic tale of how the original Santa Claus and his elves met their untimely demise in a catastrophic heatwave at the North Pole. The gingerbread men didn’t make it either. It’s a blistering account that’s sure to leave an impression!
6. Introduce them to the magic of regifting.
Sneak into your children’s rooms, “borrow” their old toys, wrap them in extra thin biodegradable paper, and present them as new gifts on Christmas morning. When they ask why their presents are the same as last year’s, explain that Santa is helping save the Earth by recycling gifts.
7. Show them “A Climate Carol” on Christmas Day.
Gather the family for a viewing of the highly educational “A Climate Carol,” brought to you by Davos Productions. In this eye-opening retelling of the Dickens classic, a selfish old man is visited by the ghost of a future climate victim, who shows him what the Earth will be like in ten years if he fails to take action. It’s the kind of tearjerker that will make them want to give up everything for the planet.
Yell "how dare you" to anyone who gives them a non-recycleable gift.
Give the little darlings more digital tokens as a reward for dobbing in any neighbours, friends, family who are not following Santa Klaus's orders.
ROFLMAO! That was fabulous!
7. OR watch: "The inner light" - Star trek next generation, episode 125. A touching, heartwarming story of climate death.