September 16, 2030
Homer Wilson, 52, Domestic Security Threat
Mr. Wilson of Smartford, Connecticut, passed away Sunday night, surrounded by cameras, following a long battle with his home security system. He is survived by his wife, daughter, and Big Brother.
June 17, 2031
Carl Boomer, 76, Reckless Chatbot User
Mr. Boomer was surprised to death on his 76th birthday after typing a single prompt. The senior citizen had instructed ChatGPT to deliver a “level 10 surprise” on his special day and was subsequently blasted with a long list of shocking family secrets early the next morning.
May 29, 2032
Deborah Dunne, 27, Replaced Actor
Ms. Dunne of Hollywood, California died unpeacefully in her sleep after an AI-generated replacement terminated her career. She is scheduled for burial at End of the Road Cemetery in Santa Monica, alongside hundreds of identical, unmarked tombstones. She will be easily missed.
September 20, 2033
Max “EZ Vax” Morris, 24, Creator of Fast-Casual 48-Second Turbocancer Vaccines
The inventor of EZ Vax™ D.I.Y. vaccination kits for ages 5 and up died of turbocancer on Wednesday. Experts say it would have been worse without his vaccines. He will be remembered for the tagline, “Jab yourself. Anytime. Anywhere.”
July 23, 2035
Thomas Bigsby, 35, Competitive Insect Eater
Mr. Bigsby expired Saturday afternoon during a fly-eating contest at the annual Hunger Games Festival. Spurred on by the slogan, “Go bug or go home!” Bigsby had consumed a record 48 horse flies in 30 seconds before collapsing into his bowl. His performance inspired an entire generation to embrace sustainable sources of protein.
March 8, 2036
Cynthia Page, 67, Anti Book-Burner
Retired English teacher, who illegally stored books in her living room, went up in flames while attempting to obstruct firemen from doing their job. Cremation services were provided free of charge by the Fire Department.
February 20, 2037
Emily Plotkin, 21, Pre-Criminal Mind
Ms. Plotkin received the death penalty for planning to post a meme that would inspire an entrepreneur to open a restaurant where a group of teenagers would scribble a message on a bathroom wall that would trigger a person inside the stall to obtain a gun and assassinate the future president.
January 15, 2042
Bertha, 46, The Last Birthing Person
Bertha, a female human 1.0, died of natural causes on Tuesday inside her habitat at the Central Park Zoo in New York City. She was widely known as the last reproducing member of her species. Bertha is survived by two identical male offspring — Testos and Terone — both known for their primitive hormones which have become obsolete in today’s males.
December 31, 2045
Mother Earth, Climate Victim
Our beloved Earth tragically passed away yesterday after an extended illness caused by human activity. Climate activists confirmed the death at 6:01 AM PST. Starting tomorrow, global citizens will be required to eat synthetic food and wear full hazmat suits to survive on the deceased planet. A celebration of Earth’s life will be broadcast from an airtight bubbled sanctuary in Geneva, Switzerland. The planet’s estate, consisting of its remaining resources, has been entrusted to a few beneficiaries who are requesting complete privacy.
* All of my satire is conceived and written by a human. If you enjoy what I do, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.
Brilliant, Noel. Just Brilliant.
Made me chuckle on the inside. Hilariously brilliant with that sardonic edge that drove the tragicomic message home. It's a grateful weird relief to feel a little less alone in seeing the bigger picture that the vast sleepwalking majority conspire to ignore. Taking pity on ourselves among the throngs whose delusion of a normality is reinforced so many times daily by that ignorance which is a practice, almost should we feel sorry for them as we do when they finally are faced with the naked truth of a life of avoidance, chasing the frivolous, shunning the transformative, painfully elevating realization that it indeed keeps getting worse until a tipping point is reached by a critical mass barely aware of its own existence seeking and almost not daring to point at the naked little emperors that most have become. The end is nigh as the unveiling continues, as we witness absurdity and atrocity play out in unison fighting for our sanity like uncomprehended geniuses when all we have to do is apply common sense, put beliefs aside and see the patterns that are obvious to our closest animals, to children and to the very old, if not the throngs upon their deathbeds, those allowed to die consciously in a system geared to censor pain, awareness, contemplation and true attention, that liberating lack of intention. So we plough on, like blisters in the sun. Daring, caring, sharing in a world where speaking the truth often gets you perceived as some kind of mental terrorist. Say too much and they roll out a diagnosis. Not even a real one now, just lumping you into a group. Easily labelled, threatened thus by the allopathic system all geared to help those dangerous thoughts be swept away. As if the first cause of death wasn't iatrogenic. As if the war on perception was a mere crazy theory. As if there were indeed separate authorities still fighting it out, as if some little hierarchy could change anything when they've all long been rolled into one leaving enough hopium for voters and devoters alike. Be the change, be the strange. Thanks again. We're out there but you'd never guess. A hard rain is indeed going to fall...