'Donkeypox' Virus Strikes Fear In Conservatives

US NEWS — A new virus called Donkeypox is sending a chill up the spines of conservatives across the country. Alternative media pundits say the disease is much more credible and dangerous than Monkeypox.

According to an anonymous whistleblower who appeared on The Tucker Carlson Show last week, Donkeypox originated in a communist labor camp secretly operating on Chinese-owned farmland in Kansas, where the virus managed to jump from donkeys to humans. "The land was purchased through a non-profit shell company whose investors are on the board of the DNC”, the whistleblower added. Carlson described the story as “fascinating” and “shocking” and asked why no one else was talking about it.

Donkeypox is rumored to turn victims’ hair blue, destroy their testosterone, and cause them to break out in signs of the Democratic Party. 1 out of 3 Americans say they know someone who could be infected with the virus.

“The real problem is not Monkeypox, it’s Donkeypox,” Dr. Jordan Peterson said in an interview with Joe Rogan. “Once that pathogen gets inside you, the worst thing imaginable happens: you become a liberal woman!” Peterson then broke down in tears while Rogan went into shock.

Critics on the Democratic side have dismissed Donkeypox as a hoax, which has further outraged conservatives. Former President Joe Biden called the contagion a “viral load of malarkey” and CNN anchor Anderson Cooper said Donkeypox “victims” were simply dying their hair and painting their faces to show party spirit.

Vice Presidential candidate J.D. Vance pushed back against the claims on social media. “The Democrats are lying,” he said. “They want Donkeypox to spread so we all turn into childless cat ladies. We’re not going to let that happen!”

Republicans and libertarians are now starting to wear masks and social distance, with some even calling for mandates and lockdowns. Elon Musk declared Donkeypox a public health emergency on X. Donald Trump called for unity in fighting the disease and promised a warp speed solution to the problem. “We’re going to have a vaccine for this so fast, you won’t believe it!” he said.

After watching events unfold from his private retreat in California, globalist Bill Gates came out and addressed the change he observed in the MAGA movement. “It’s nice to see how they’ve come around and taken such a strong interest in public health,” he said with a smile.

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