When Wikipedia Creates A Profile Of Every Person On The Planet
A Sample Entry from the World's Largest Totalitarian Encyclopedia in the Year 2039
Jane Dickerson
ID #: 04899206B
Social Credit Score: -182
Crimes Committed: 19
Jane Dickerson (DICK-er-son; born January 5, 2019) is a global citizen, germ spreader, pet offender, cookie thief, purveyor of misinformation, and failed human being. She is best known for a text message sent to a friend on June 12, 2038, in which she falsely claimed that “we’re living in a Police State.” She is currently serving a 10-year sentence in federal prison.
Dickerson grew up in the United Kingdom — now known as New World District 5. The daughter of two irresponsible, permissive parents (both with negative social credit scores), she quickly developed a penchant for deviant thinking and behavior. Her first recorded crime was committed on July 29, 2026, at Davos Day Camp when, at age 7, she was caught on surveillance cameras absconding with more than the one-cookie maximum allotted to campers.
As a teenager, Dickerson lowered her mask in public on four occasions and broke the 10-foot social distancing rule three times. On September 8, 2036, she nearly drooled on a male student in her 12th-grade chemistry class. She was subsequently charged and convicted of attempted man-slobber in the first degree.
On March 18, 2037, while on a short walk from her apartment, Dickerson misgendered a neighbor’s dog, calling the non-binary beagle a “she” instead of a “they.” The dog’s owner immediately reported the incident to the local Animal Rights Tribunal. As a corrective measure, Dickerson underwent eight weeks of canine-awareness training and re-education.
The following year, on February 11, Dickerson subscribed to an unauthorized Substack publication titled “I Am Happy.” The blog, run by an unlicensed positive thinker, promoted unproven, pseudoscientific affirmations as a remedy for anxiety and depression.
Pre-crime analysis of Dickerson’s mind shows her to be potentially violent and unstable. She has mentally yelled profanities at authorities who appeared on her TV screen and entertained the thought of slapping them across their faces. Neuralink is currently working with the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the Global Bureau of Investigation (GBI) to gather more information about Dickerson’s alarming brain activity.
Funny but also heartbreaking. She’s probably in an isolation cell now for infecting other prisoners’ minds with pornographic fantasies about “the good old days when one could have children the natural way”.
She sounds like a "keeper" to me. Is she available? Is this the "NOT_KAREN" dating site? I better check my URL's. Man-slobber, I think I pee'd myself on that note.