Elon Musk To Replace Drag Queen Storytellers With Autistic Engineers
U.S. NEWS — Under the guidance of government efficiency czar Elon Musk, President Trump has issued an executive order requiring public schools to fire all drag queens and replace them with high-functioning autistic engineers.
“We need SMART people like Elon reading to our kids”, Trump declared in a statement on X. “I fully trust him to produce more stable geniuses out of our youth!”
The order mandates that story hour be renamed “Narrative Efficiency Hour,” and reading engineers “shall waste no words in delivering prose to developing brains.” The engineers will be encouraged to hack into classic children’s books, remove logical errors and inconsistencies, and distill them down to bite-size tweetable factoids.
“By eliminating unnecessary drama, nonsense, and wasteful words, we can easily cut reading time in half,” Musk told reporters.
“Lewis Carroll and Dr. Seuss are perhaps the most problematic,” he added. “Some of their books may need to be deleted altogether.”
According to the order, engineers should be given executive chairs to sit in while they read stories aloud in an efficient monotone. Unlike the drag queens, they will deliver stripped down performances, free from any physical or emotional distractions. Engineers may also use noise-cancelling headphones to block out interruptions, including requests to go to the bathroom. Parents of consistently disruptive students will be offered buyouts to remove their children from school.
While the 60-minute sessions will be largely drama-free, Musk’s plan leaves room for engineers to sprinkle in touches of humanity. For example, they could break from the narrative at a random point and forcefully thrust their arm out from their chest while shouting “My heart goes out to you!”
“It’ll be a smooth transition to the Tesla bots, which will soon take over the storytelling duties,” Musk claimed. “I doubt kids will notice a difference.” But the billionaire emphasized that the long-term goal is to remove readers altogether. “Eventually, once Neuralink is widespread, books will simply be uploaded directly into kids' brains. No need for inefficient reading.”
The announcement has sparked backlash from over 95% of Americans who identify as non-autistic and non-engineer. Thousands of neurotypicals protested outside DOGE headquarters yesterday. Musk reassured his followers on X that these haters would be rounded up and deported. He later clarified that ‘deportation’ just means sending them to the first Martian colony, where they can start their own, less efficient society.
I thought I was reading a real news. I'm out of disbelief at this point. 😂
Very creative and laughable. Much liberty taken on the humor.