Elon Musk Purchases The Y, Turns It Into The X

Modified from photo by Patrick Case on Pexels

WORLD NEWS — YMCAs across the globe have a new owner! Tech mogul Elon Musk has purchased the Y, an international non-profit, for seven billion dollars. In a press conference, Musk announced big plans for the youth organization, including a complete rebranding.

“We’re going to change the Y to an X,” he told reporters.

The billionaire offered little explanation for the new name, only that he was eager to add a third ‘X’ to his portfolio, along with X/ Twitter and SpaceX.

Now that he is officially in the driver’s seat, Musk said he is ready to “go wild” on the non-profit. After converting the organization into a for-profit LLC, he aims to radically streamline the business to make it more efficient and cost-effective. “This means cutting hundreds of useless activities, including team sports, dance, and arts and crafts,” he said.

Once this work is done, the billionaire plans to transform local YMCAs into ‘XMCAs’ — high-tech incubators aimed at breeding the next generation of biologically enhanced youth. Gyms will be converted into testing labs, and swimming pools will be used to suspend growing bodies, ensuring they are kept in an optimal state. Electrodes and biosensors will monitor subjects’ progress on a regular basis.

“The Y made kids too soft,” Musk said. “We want to grow them stronger, faster, more freedom-loving.”

Under his vision, incubation centers will be sealed off from the outside world and without windows, so that a cool, dark environment is maintained. “Sunlight has traditionally been important for humans,” Musk told reporters. “But these kids won’t require that.”

Musk also intends to overhaul the organization’s visual look, replacing the bright blue and purple hues with an all black color scheme.

“It’s going to be fun!” he said, jumping up and down in an attempt to generate enthusiasm.

To help bolster excitement, Musk announced that he will award one million video games randomly to kids who sign up to become test subjects.

The tech mogul admitted that, while the project has a lot of potential, there are some risks to consider, including the possibility that subjects don’t turn out as friendly as he would hope.

“I’ve done the math, and there’s about a one percent chance that this could go horribly wrong,” he said, breaking out into a nervous half-laugh. “But I try not to think about that too much.”

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