Congratulations, You've Been Selected For Our Human Cloning Program

Dear Human #1067089,

Our team of scientists has a special surprise for you. We hope you find it sufficiently jarring.

As industry leaders in human mismanagement, we are constantly exploring new ways to elevate distress levels on Earth. That’s why this month, on top of the war in Iran, we decided to give one million random humans something they never asked for — a patented lifeform that looks and sounds like them, only worse.

Recent cloning trials on human celebrities and politicians have proven successful in generating widespread disgust and subsequent humiliation for the host. Public responses have ranged from “Ick!” to “What the hell is that thing?” to “God save their soul.” The volume of negative feedback has been highly encouraging and inspired us to expand the program to members of the general population.

Our mass-market body doubles are just a cut below what Jim Carrey got. Engineered from 100% synthetic materials and a rough sketch of your genetic structure, your clone is sure to make people recoil wherever it goes — whether it’s a job interview, a school graduation, or a date with the human of your dreams. The entity is also designed to speak faux French and is fully prepared to mismanage your bank accounts and credit cards. No direction required — it’s a self-starter.

As for you? You’ll get to watch the organism in action on a wide screen from the discomfort of your new home: a tightly-sealed subterranean cell beneath Area 52. Accommodations are included, and stress levels will be recorded for the benefit of the company and its shareholders.

We will send you a photo and email address of your clone as soon as it’s finished incubating. Should any questions, concerns, or existential fears arise, please feel free to reach out to your clone — though we can’t guarantee it will respond.

Disrespectfully,

The Department of Human Cloning

Global Elite Planning, LLC

---

* If you enjoy my satire, consider leaving me a tip on Ko-Fi or Buy Me a Coffee. Your support helps me continue roasting the New World Order. Thank you.