WORLD NEWS — Pfizer, Inc. has partnered with leading arms manufacturers to develop a new form of vaccination, specifically designed for long-range shots in public spaces. Experts say the method, called point-and-vax, could dramatically improve immunization rates, especially among highly resistant right-wing populations.
According to Pfizer’s CEO Albert Bourla, point-and-vax devices are effective at a distance of up to 50 meters and can be aimed anywhere at an antivaxxer’s body. Pulling the trigger fires a nano-sized mRNA payload into the target, providing them with the protection they stubbornly refuse to give themselves.
The invention has received enthusiastic support from global health leader Bill Gates, who provided generous seed funding for the project. “I consider this to be an even bigger breakthrough than aerosol sprays or edible vaccines,” Gates said in an interview with CNN. The billionaire emphasized the ease and accessibility of the new technology. “It’s so simple that even a six year old can pick one of these up and use it to improve the health of their neighbors.”
Executives at Pfizer are equally optimistic, touting favorable results from a clinical trial conducted at a shooting range in Florida. Participants who were shot with the flu vaccine from a point-and-vax device had a 50 percent lower mortality rate than the control group, which received bullets from a standard 9 millimeter handgun.
After a thorough review of the trial data, U.S. Health Secretary Robert Kennedy, Jr. and FDA Commissioner Marty Makary are advising caution. “We recommend that you not use these devices on pregnant women or infants under 6 months—unless their diets are free of seed oils,” Kennedy stated in a video posted to X. “And be considerate with the elderly too as it may startle them. But we’re not taking away your freedom — if you want to surprise grandma on her birthday, you ought to be able to do that.”
The first generation of point-and-vax devices will soon be available everywhere, from local pharmacies to schools and playgrounds. Semi-automatic boosters—with longer range and stronger doses—are scheduled for rollout shortly afterward.
The World Health Organization is already updating its health policy to encourage widespread use of the new products. Anticipating another global pandemic next year, W.H.O. Director-General Tedros Ghebreyesus recommends civil wars with medically authorized firearms as a safe and effective means of creating herd immunity.
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> Participants who were shot with the flu vaccine from a point-and-vax device had a 50 percent lower mortality rate than the control group, which received bullets from a standard 9 millimeter handgun.
It's the gold standard of scientific research!
As funny as ever, but for my taste, you saved the best for the last: “Anticipating another global pandemic next year, W.H.O. Director-General Tedros Ghebreyesus recommends civil wars with medically authorized firearms as a safe and effective means of creating herd immunity.”
BTW, "global health leader Bill Gates" alone is quite the joke. Thanks for the laughs.