URGENT: 7 Vital Government Agencies Are About To Be Demolished
An Emergency Message from the Congressional Office for Bureaucratic Preservation
Dear Taxpayer,
Not to alarm you, but our democracy is hanging by a thread. D.O.G.E. is taking a buzzsaw to more of our government’s most critical federal agencies. Without them, our Republic will surely collapse!
Now, you’ll probably wonder why you haven’t heard of the seven agencies we’re about to share with you. They keep a low profile because of the highly sensitive functions they perform, but trust us: they are worth every penny of your taxpayer dollars.
Please take a few minutes to read about the indispensable work of these organizations, and you’ll understand why they must be saved:
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PIZZAID
A proud partner of USAID founded by Washington’s most trusted politicians, PIZZAID feeds millions of underserved children through an extensive and discreet network of pizza party providers and handlers in over 150 countries. PIZZAID is a global leader in youth outreach through its signature fleet of magicians and clowns in unmarked vans.
Mainstream Media Life Support Administration
The MLSA provides a 24/7 lifeline, including emergency resuscitation services, to dying legacy media companies such as CNN and MSNBC, ensuring they never flatline despite plummeting public trust. In addition to funding, the agency delivers stories and talking points through a feeding tube, relieving journalists of the burden of independent research.
Center for Election Control
The CEC works tirelessly to curb the spread of potentially undemocratic political campaigns, minimizing the risk of electing leaders who threaten established institutions and norms. The agency oversees polling sites, designs and fixes voting machines, adjusts ballots, and takes other measures as needed to achieve a safe and effective outcome for the country.
U.S. Open Border Service
Established under the Biden administration, the Open Border Service works to improve the flow of goods across the U.S.-Mexico border. The agency gives struggling Americans the fix they need, while helping talented entrepreneurs thrive on the nation’s streets and back alleys.
Bureaucrat Protection Agency
With an annual budget of ten billion dollars, the BPA provides legal shelter to endangered bureaucrats, mitigates harmful exposure to oversight, and contains the toxic spread of anti-bureaucratic sentiment. The agency is dedicated to fighting back against baseless conspiracy theories of so-called ‘government fraud’ and ‘government waste.’
Department of Drone Identification
A valuable new addition to the Department of Defense, the DDI recently launched a fleet of 500 drones to track and identify the mysterious drones appearing over U.S. cities. The agency is committed to protecting Americans from foreign surveillance using the most comprehensive monitoring systems and spy technologies at its disposal.
Project Blackbox
No information is available for Project Blackbox due to security reasons. However, the agency is doing very important work, according to officials in the CIA.
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As you can see, these agencies are critical to safeguarding democracy and upholding our standing in the world. Their elimination is unthinkable!
Now please do your part — make a donation or join us in storming D.O.G.E. headquarters to demand that they stay operational.
Yours in governance,
The Bureaucratic Care Team
Welp, I thought we were progressing towards the future of tomorrow. These bureaucracies are from the government, and they're here to help us, am I wrong?
Great sarcasm! Enjoyed it.