In Defense of Sun Dimming: A New York Times Editorial By Count Dracula

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As a concerned global citizen who has been intently following the news from his subterranean lair, I have observed a most disappointing trend. People have begun to resist a very promising climate initiative: sun dimming.

With solar geoengineering technology that allows us to temper the sun’s glare, we are one step closer to liberating ourselves from an unsightly orb of light that has oppressed this planet for untold millennia. While climate activists have been calling attention to the sun’s dangers since the 1970s, I myself have been protesting its deadly rays for centuries.

At last, we possess the means to usher in a sustainable age of desolarization. Yet regrettably, more than thirty U.S. state bills have been introduced to hinder this noble work — and their numbers continue to grow. It appears that many Americans are intent on driving a stake into our hard-won progress. Clearly, they do not understand the Science.

Firstly, a planet with limited or no sun would solve our most urgent dilemmas. In addition to obliterating global warming once and for all, it would vastly improve the welfare of marginalized nocturnal populations, many of which are still compelled to dwell in caves for upwards of sixteen hours each day. These creatures could at last emerge unencumbered into the open air, roaming freely, breathing deeply, and obtaining the vital sustenance they require.

Secondly, the side effects would be tolerable. While the absence of sunlight may cause modest inconvenience for photosynthesizing life forms and those whose moods are dependent on the weather, the long-term benefits of an Eternal Night on Earth far outweigh the risks.

It is imperative that we educate our mortal compatriots, lest they continue to spread unwarranted alarm or mistrust. By intervening early and combating hysteria with cold-blooded facts, we may yet guide humanity away from the blinding light of ignorance — and toward the cool refuge of wisdom and common sense.

Count Vlad Dracula
Solar abstainer, est. 1476

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