Trump Gives Recommendations To The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death get an earful from America’s 47th president

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Hello, thank you for being here. Let me just start by saying the four of you are really, really something. I think we can all agree that you’ve had a big, big impact on the world over the last five years. But if I’m being honest, it’s a little too big. I’m not saying everything you’re doing is bad — some of it could be great, if it’s done well — but it seems like it’s too much for a lot of folks to handle, especially the little ones, the kids.

So maybe, instead of unleashing everything at once — and it’s a lot, believe me — you spread it out over a longer period, say fifty or sixty years, and you do it in four separate visits. Does that make sense? Then it will be less of a problem, and people will be able to tough it out without Tylenol.

That’s just how I feel. You can choose to take my advice or not. But I strongly recommend you take it.

Also, it would be great if you could give me a big beautiful horse and add me to your team. I would be the “Horseman of Hope.” I think the five of us together could be hugely successful. I see no downsides to it, frankly. But we’d have to change the word “Apocalypse” to “Golden Age.” It’s better branding.

Okay, I’m glad we had this conversation, and I hope you’ll take some time to think it over. Maybe give yourselves a nice little vacation. Come to Mar-a-Lago and play some golf. All of you could use more sun and calories. Especially you, Death — I’d like to see some meat on those bones!

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